we'll go to Disney World, and that will make it all better

I am happy to report that I indeed survived three fun-filled days and nights at Rodent World/ Rat Land, AKA: Walt Disney World with my entire extended family. This is my parents' idea of ultimate family bonding and Christmas fun. They do this every year--spring for everyone they are related to to join them at WDW to celebrate Christmas. Even my Jew Guy in the Boxers gets into it, skipping down Main Street USA and fa-la-la-la-la-ing and all that stuff. Because we live less than two hours from Orlando ("O-Town" to the hipsters) we often go to Rat World. I think Schmoopie has been there at least 30 times because the grandparents are annual pass holders and they go at least once a month, sometimes just to hang out and people-watch. Anyway. Here is what I noticed about folks at Disney World:

• Jesus Christ, are we Americans fat! Fat, fat, fat. Yes, have some more cotton candy and hot chocloate and feed some more to your three kids who have bigger beer guts than the guys who change the oil in my car down at Jiffy Lube.
• And spoiled. And mindless consuming freaks. Do you really need another Tinkerbell pin to add to your camera strap? Really? REALLY???
• And miserable. I noticed so many miserable men, especially, who looked like they would rather open an artery than spend one more second with the stringy-haired, ball-busting harpie who is snapping at him every five steps while pushing a stroller with a screaming kid or two or three in it. What is it about marriage that makes women wear nothing but sweat pants and develop tummies that slide halfway down their thighs and turn into colossal bitches? I mean, it was weird. I witnessed more incidences of couples going postal on one another (mostly the women going off on their men) than I ever would have imagined. In my book, it is the ultimate unforgivable sin to ball-bust in public. Ladies, never, I mean NEVER, dis your man in front of witnesses and then wonder why he doesn't want to have sex with you for six months at a pop.
• Why do idiots bring infants to theme parks? Why, why, why?
• Why do some women dress as if they are on their way to a cocktail party rather than a theme park filled with screaming, tired children and their stressed-out parents? Spiked heels and mini skirts=dumb-ass in a theme park.
• Why do some women willingly wrap themsleves from head to foot in swaths of scarves and burkas while their men happily amble along in comfortable shorts and polo shirts? Hello? WTF?? And the women push the strollers and the men go on all the rides while the women sit like valet attendants and wait with the strollers. Again, I ask: WTF??? This is enlightenment? If this bullshit set of theme park rules is in the Koran, I would LOVE to have someone point it out to me.

The GITB is a mental health professional and he says that people go to places like WDW seeking artficial happiness and nursing unrealistic expectations. Maybe he's right. And I realize that I sound like a bit of a shrew myself here, because it was an all-expense paid trip on Mom and Dad and yes, it was great to be at the Happiest Place on Earth surrounded by all the people who love me and suspending all sense of reality and responsibilty for a few days while looking at the most beautiful Christmas decorations everywhere I turned.

But still. The Ugly American is alive and unwell and overspending and overfeeding him/her-self in Orlando seven days a week (when not screaming at each other or their kids). And it is a mighty sad sight to behold.

PS: The "Live" Christmas parade on NBC from Walt Disney World is a big fat lie. It is not "LIVE" on Christmas morning. They were taping it last week. We watched.