My employer is bleeding money with no end in sight and so we are embarking on the downsizing track. Today I had to lay off two employees with whom I have worked for many years. I have known about this for a few days and the anxiety has eaten a hole in my brain. I feel wretched about it and I wonder what I could have done to save them. Of course, ultimately, it was out of my hands. The decisions came from the top and I was the apologetic messenger. But the anticipation of having these conversations has made me physically ill and in some ways was far worse than the actual conversations which I just wrapped up a few hours ago. What surprised me about it was that the co-worker I thought would melt into an inconsolable puddle of tears took it very well and even apologized to me because I had to go through the trauma of delivering the pink slip. The other co-worker, who has always presented as Zen-like carriage sort of exploded on me in anger and bitterness, which totally took me by surprise. The thing is, all the stuff she vented about is valid and I don't disagree with her. Being a grown-up so totally sucks sometimes.

true love

The kid and I went to the mall yesterday. She wanted to peruse bikinis and I wanted to find the ladies room because my bladder was about to blow--too much coffee and bottled water for my own good. I went off to the second floor of Macy's while she wandered in the junior department. When I finally located the ladies room--tucked behind the bridal registry and the Waterford crystal display, I hit the door with urgency. What hit back was an odor that about knocked the wind out of me. It was intense. Someone had obliviously been ill. I heard water running and low voices coming from the wheelchair accessible stall. Two women occupied the stall and as I entered the one next to it to pee, I heard the sound of paper towels being pulled over and over from the dispenser on the wall between the two stalls and the sound of a woman softly weeping. The other woman was shushing her, saying "It's alright now, don't you worry. I've got you..."

It was one of the most intimate and heart-wrenching moments I've ever witnessed, and even though I couldn't see the women in the stall, I imagined it was an elderly woman being attended to by her daughter.

I did my business quickly and exited my stall, praying that no one (like a gaggle of rowdy teenagers) would enter the ladies room and react to the awful stench that had permeated the room. As I washed my hands, I lingered, considering whether or not to call to the women and offer my help (I worked in health care for several years a lifetime ago) but I thought better of it. Some intimacy is just too intense to acknowledge.