My employer is bleeding money with no end in sight and so we are embarking on the downsizing track. Today I had to lay off two employees with whom I have worked for many years. I have known about this for a few days and the anxiety has eaten a hole in my brain. I feel wretched about it and I wonder what I could have done to save them. Of course, ultimately, it was out of my hands. The decisions came from the top and I was the apologetic messenger. But the anticipation of having these conversations has made me physically ill and in some ways was far worse than the actual conversations which I just wrapped up a few hours ago. What surprised me about it was that the co-worker I thought would melt into an inconsolable puddle of tears took it very well and even apologized to me because I had to go through the trauma of delivering the pink slip. The other co-worker, who has always presented as Zen-like carriage sort of exploded on me in anger and bitterness, which totally took me by surprise. The thing is, all the stuff she vented about is valid and I don't disagree with her. Being a grown-up so totally sucks sometimes.