Sunday, April 30, 2006

more ladylike behavior


we had a big old ho-down last night in honor of Caroline's 30th (butter-creamed chin on the right) and Kimmie's 48th (on the left, with the strawberry filling on her forehead and up her nose). It was a surprise party and we started out with about 22 guests but per usual, all our men crapped out (went into the house "to watch basketball" translation: "I have had waaaay too much to drink and I need to go sit and stare," etc.) so we girls were the last ones standing. At which point the gloves came off: profuse and liberal use of profanity, consumption of tobacco products, alcohol abuse, cake fight. It was the best. Hard to believe we are all (now) over the age of 30 and some of the wild women I hang with are well past 60. But no matter, we like to cut loose, and as they say, you have to go with your strengths, you know--do what you do well.


The evening was cool and breezy and clouds were dashing around overhead so we stayed outside and sat around under the Chinese lanterns and tiki torches and listened to Caroline sing as her brother, Jay, the only remaining brave male, strummed his guitar.

Caroline's husband had stoked up the fire pit before he beat feet for the house, muttering something about how "the gin finally kicked in," so we reclined in Adirondack chairs we'd dragged into a ragged circle around the flames. And sipped frozen margaritas and looked at the stars. Heaven.

I asked Jay to play a Dylan song and he smiled sweetly at me and without missing a beat (or a chord) slid right into the lyrics of my fav Dylan tune:

"They sat together in the park, as the evening sky grew dark, She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones. 'Twas then he felt alone and wished that he'd gone straight. And watched out for a simple twist of fate..."

How'd he know? Sigh.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I gave a friend of mine the link to my Blog several weeks ago and when I asked him yesterday if he had checked it out, he referred to it as "disturbing" and made a half-hearted protestation about "the language." And the "disturbing" is not in a good way. After pondering his reaction, I think I am assuredly on the right track. Did I mention that he is a Republican? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

now I hate Staples as much as I hate Radio Shack


I broke my keyboard last night. Don't ask. So I called the long-suffering IT guy at work this morning (as I work, mostly, from home) and told him that my spacebar is DOA and asked him if I could grab another keyboard off the pile in the corner of his office and he said no, because those all have messed up spacebars too and that's why they are piling up there, beginning to resemble a modernist artistic pile of a statement about technology or some such thing, so just run over to the office supply store and grab a new one and keep the receipt.

Fifteen minutes later I am in the keyboard/mice aisle at Staples pondering the mysteries of keyboards and I see a skinny kid in a red polo shirt sidewinding his way up the aisle toward me. I didn't even need to spy him out of the corner of my eye because I could smell him coming. He was drenched in Drakker Noir, a fragrance my 1980s boyfriend wore and because I have a visceral reaction to it and can smell it a mile away, I was more than aware of the approach of Staples Boy long before he pulled up in front of me, totally blocking my view of the keyboards slash mice.

"Finding everything okay?' He asked in a sing-songy, don't actually really give a shit sort of way as he hitched up his pants that sagged right back down around his 22-inch hips.

"Well, yeah, Jeremy," I said, after squinting at his nametag.

"I want one of these Logitech keyboards in black. That whole stack there is all white. Do you guys have black?"

"Nope."

"How come?"

"Nobody wants black. It isn't a popular color. But if you want a black keyboard, we have these," he said, sweeping his hand, and I looked at the dozen or so black keyboard models they had that were all minimum twice the price of the white one I had in my hand.

"Didn't you just say nobody wants black? And why would I want to pay double for a black keyboard when this is all I need?" I asked, waving whitey.

"Well, these have all these other media features and some are wireless. Don't you want a wireless?" He asked earnestly.

"No." I said.

"How come?"

"Because I'm not allowed--my IT guy said not to get a wireless. And besides, I don't understand why this only comes in white -- what is the deal? It's the only one you have under $20 and it only comes in white and it's the only white keyboard you stock?"

"Well, you could paint it." Jeremy said.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No--I painted mine green and blue but it was a bitch cutting out the mold to put over it so I could paint it without fucking up the keys, took me forever but you, know, I was grounded so I had a lot of time on my hands..."

When I went to the counter to pay for my under-$20 white keyboard, the kid at the register asked me if I have a "Staples Savngs" card. I told him no.

He said "You should sign up for one. You'll save a lot of money."

I said "No thanks."

He then placed an application form on the counter and tried to hand me a pen.

I said "Listen, I don't want any more of my personal information out in the world than is absolutely necessary, so no thanks."

"This is just for us--we don't sell your personal information like Blockbluster does..." he said.

"No."

He glared at me with naked hatred and slapped my change into my hand like I had just told him his mother is a whore.

I hate the intrusion into my private life that is what should be a simple transaction. This is why I refuse to step foot in Radio Shack--I do not want to tell anyone my zip code or fucking phone number. I shouldn't have to. And giving the phone number to the county detox unit is just no fun anymore. And now Bath and Body Works is doing it! I just want to buy whatever it is I want to buy without disclosing personal information and I am happy to bypass "a 20% discount on this purchase!!!!" to do so. Can't I just buy in peace and anonymity? Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.

Monday, April 24, 2006


We got up early Sunday morning to take our sweet girl to school as her class is off to Sea Camp down in the Keys for a bit of marine science and all sorts of adolescent horseplay. We were forbidden from signing up as chaperones this time. She won't be home until Wed. night. So the house is very quiet and I got more work done today than I have in weeks and the GITB and and I actually have had a few meaningful conversations and went out for dinner at 8:00 p.m.!!! and had cocktails and ADULT conversation. It all feels so weird. I am not ready for her to leave for college. I realize that this won't happen for five years. But it's already started in a way. And I'm not ready. But she is.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


I'm sorry, I am just so enamored of this portrait of moi that
eb created for my birthday, I just had to post it. Without her preauthorization. She could probably sue my ass. But she is on vacation right now, so not likely that legal action is on her agenda at the moment. Anyway.

Remember this young man? I found him delightfuly intriquing back in December when my girlfriend, Grace, (yes, Miss Minnesota, ANOTHER ONE!) and I literally stumbled across him as he was sprawled across a sidewalk writing love-sick poetry in colored chalk.

Seems the
St. Petersburg Times finds him intriquing as well.

Four months after I noticed him and blogged about his sidewalk prose.

Hmm. Am I being plumbed? Sure seems that way, doesn't it? Especially since the one poem I fell in love with and posted on my blog (with his consent) is the same one the Times used in its story about said young man in yesterday's edition. If one were paranoid, one really could begin to suspect plumbing...Hmm...good thing I'm not. Paranoid.

On another note, because of the nature of one of my jobs, I have an e-mail address that's published. As a result, I recieve anywhere from 25-100 spams per day pitching everything from software to real estate to precious metal investing, vacation packages and the requisite penis enlargers. Some of the faux people who send these e-mails to me are:

Aidan Scott
Efren Harvey
Jakob Adams
Ingrid Galindo
Kristen Solis
Kristopher Franks
Anibal Trotter
Damion Rosado
Efren Barnett
Wilma Wood
Jack Long
Bryan Phillips
Katrina Phelps
Francisco Barber

I am fascinated by these names. Who the hell comes up with them? My fav is Wilma Wood. Sounds like a porn star. Or a drag queen. She and Jack Long would probably really hit it off.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Judy-ism


I am a practitioner of Judy-ism.

For some insane reason there are 7 wonderful Judys in my life. They are all wise and wonderful and talented and witty and beautiful and sassy and who I want to be when I grow up. One of the Judys was counseling me last year about my struggle with just relaxing and accepting the inevitability of what and who happens to me. I ran across this old e-mail from her today and I thought I'd share it with you:

"...We all meet here because we have this karma to work out with each other. You know how sometimes you meet someone and feel an instant affection for him or her and form a quick bond? Or how the opposite happens?

...It really is just karma, as they say. Stuff we have to work out with each other from previous lives, maybe, or new karma we're making that we'll have to balance in some later life.

It's like a huge cosmic choreography, the way we all meet and depart."

God, I love the Judys.


Excerpt from the coolest e-mail I received this week:

"When I win the lottery or finally publish one of my novels, I'm going to buy a boat and follow cocktail hour around the world. I'm just certain the Goddess made the earth round so that it's always cocktail hour somewhere."

My girlfriends are awesome.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


it's official--I have overdosed on Peeps. I even ate some of the really garish purple and blue ones today (the purple ones when my youngest niece foolishly looked away from her basket, silly girl, that'll teach her once and for all that Auntie Ell cannot be trusted around the Peeps. It's like leaving a voracious vampire alone in a blood bank). I am so going to hell.

I am sort of in hell, anyway. My buddy departed yesterday and the sense of loss is like I am 8 and someone has ripped my Mrs. Beasley doll from my arms and savagely pounded her against a muddy concrete culvert, breaking her glasses and soiling her hair before running her over repeatedly with their min-van. Yeah, it's raw and childlike. Do I sound bitter? Yeah. I am.

PS--eb: IT IS TOO A BLOG!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


One of my most beloved friends on the whole planet has been visiting this week and it got me to thinking about what a gift long-term friendship is, and how it's different and even better in some ways than the familial bonds we have with the people we are related to. Our dearest friends are the family we choose for ourselves and they love us because they choose to--not because it's expected or required.

My sweet friend has seen me at my absolute worst--frantically young, insecure and completely clueless, and at my best--settled and (sort of) mature and content. It's been a huge 20-year arc of growth and loss and coming together and moving away from each other, but we've managed to stay connected through it all. That's love.

And I know I have said it before, but there is something so magical about sitting on a beach at midnight and looking at the stars with someone who knew you way back when--when you were both in your 20s with so much ahead of you--before spouses and children and careers. When that friend still loves you and thinks you're cool and fun and sees you in some ways exactly as they did back then, and you feel the same in return, it's just the best. The whole friendship thing is an awesome gift we give to ourselves and each other and there's nothing better. Okay, I'm rambling and embarrassing myself now, but I'm a happy, nostalgic camper with sand in my car and U2s Joshua Tree in my CD player. Oh, jeebus, the stories we could tell...

Sunday, April 09, 2006

one last bit of news: after much hemming and hawing I applied to grad school a while back. They accepted me. Mid-life crisis checklist complete. I have NO idea what I'm doing but of course they don't seem to be concerned...

But, you know, as Miss Otis said:

"Honey, at least you're not making a complete ass of yourself like______ (unnamed friend, also in mid-life crisis who recently quit a high-paying job with a defense contractor to take acting lessons, hire an agent and try to be an actor. Yeah, his wife is FREAKED out) Going back to school is a much better choice. Less chance of picking up an STD too."

Miss Otis is right. School is a much better option than STDs and bad acting gigs doing industrial ergonomics training films. Sorry, Ron, but you know she's right. Oops.

the stars at night are big and bright


look at what my favorite Texan did for my birthday!!!! (I especially love the boobies which really did used to be way up there once...). You know, if I were a lesbian, I'd have a big old lesbo crush on eb just because she's smart AND funny and drives an art car and loves puppies and baseball. Go Rays. And go, eb. You're a peach. And a damn fine artist too. I think I have a new headshot.
be still my heart. she be back. release the doves and smart asses and swillers of chai everywhere rejoice.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

I'm a sassy fruit. Among other things.

You Are Apple Green

You are almost super-humanly upbeat. You have a very positive energy that surrounds you.
And while you are happy go lucky, you're also charmingly assertive.
You get what you want, even if you have to persuade those against you to see things your way.
Reflective and thoughtful, you know yourself well - and you know that you want out of life.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

who gives a shit?


I know I am expending waaaaay too much energy on this, but I speak for all of my colleagues when I say once again that Katie is NOT a journalist. She is an over-paid, over-rated, botoxed bleach-blonde, glorified reader of teleprompters. And she has pulled off one of the most impressive numbers on CBS that anyone to date (with the exception of Rather) has yet to pull. $20 million? A year? Anyone ever read The Emperor's New Clothes? Anyone? Anyone?


And here is my prediction, the ratings CBS has enjoyed of late will remain where they have been, even with Miss Perky at the helm: in the toilet. Which is exactly what they deserve for being such morons.

Monday, April 03, 2006



What a lovely bunch of spring flowers.

My friends are some of the prettiest girls in the whole world even though they are really boys. The one who looks like she spent way too much time in the tanning bed in the back row--yep, that's my best friend, Miss Otis. And yes, she does regrets.

Sunday, April 02, 2006


In the past seven days, people have landed on my blog via the following Web searches:

editorial note: I refrained from correcting spelling or grammatical errors, though it pained me terribly to employ such restraint. I now have no restraint left that will allow me to refrain from anything else for at least a month).


"Naughty pelvic exam"
"movie of kitty the babysitter fucking old men"
"dave matthews memory motel"
"you chiseling bastard"
"finding flex shampoo at walmart"
"kelly clarkson (bleh!)"
"black nudie sex photos com high school"
"whores in motel texas"
"dr dolittle push me pull me doll"

My commentary: there are a lot of sad, scary fuckers living in the Midwest.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

be afraid (especially during PMS)

Many thanks to Trish for helping me feel even more assertive and menacing. Here is my official hitman (or is it "hitperson?") name:

"Butter Fingers"

People Iced:Four
Car Bombs Planted:Fourteen
Favorite WeaponSwitch-Blade
Arms Broken:Thirty Three
Eyes Gouged:Five
Tongues Cut Off:One
Biggest Enemy:Big Johnny Johnston

Get Your HITMAN Name

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

almost there...


In honor of my official transition to old broad status as of my birthday this Friday and after contemplation and very careful consideration, I have chosen a mission statment for my 45th year.

On behalf of all the sadder but wiser girls, the sassy, bitchy, cranky and otherwise put-out self-actualized wenches who damn well earned it by virtue of child-birthing, child-rearing and in general putting up with the narcissists (men) in our lives, everywhere, thank you, Joan. You are a goddess.

Drumroll:

"Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo."

Monday, March 27, 2006

I wanna be sedated


I have a lovely ice pick that I took from the basement bar of my grandfather's house after he died. I also took a nudie ashtray, a black ceramic panther and some old photos, but I love the ice pick the most of all of my Grampy mementos. It has a warn, 4-sided wooden handle and on two sides it reads: "Tebbit's, Inc. 102 N. Medina St. Medina, Ohio 44256." On one other side it reads: "ICE. Bags or Block." And the other reads: "Wine, Beer, Pop." We call it "soda" in the South. The word "pop" in reference to a carbonated drink always brings back memories of my sunburned cousins and I sipping fizzy grape drinks that were probably made purple by carcinogenic dyes. But no matter, we were happy.

Anyway, I lovingly think of Grampy's ice pick a lot now that my daughter has discovered the joys of the randomness (or not, actually) of music on the radio. At least once a day I contemplate grabbing Grampy's ice pick out of the ceramic pot on my kitchen counter and jamming it into my temple. Yes. Sweet relief from Kelly Clarkson. Sweet jeebus, whatever did we as a species do to deserve this? First, she should be beaten by an angry mob of drunk drag queens (because they can REALLY bitch slap) for that abomination of a "movie"-- "From Justin to Kelly"-- just for good measure. But her songs played over and over and over and over (all of which sound alike)on the radio are wearing me out. The fact that my daughter is bopping around the house and SINGING ALONG only adds to the hideous psychic and auditory torture.

I am sorry, I cannot artistically relate to anyone who was not even ALIVE when the Ramones released Rocket to Russia and the Sex Pistols were neverminding the Bollocks. No, wait, wait, on second thought, fuck it, I'm SO not sorry.

I told the GITB that we need to lock the kid in her room for some pop-music-poison detox, deprogramming and intensive cultural re-training which includes listening to nothing but the following: Velvet Underground, The Kinks, New York Dolls, The Clash, Iggy Pop, Black Flag, The Ramones, Dead Kennedys, The Plasmatics, Agent Orange, Dead Boys, Butthole Surfers, Bad Religion and Angry Samoans. Oh, and Circle Jerks and Gang Green. He thinks I am over-reacting but I am her mother, after all, and I owe this to her. It's my duty.

Dear Kelly--bite me.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

the Estonians make great cocktails


So Randy and I went to see a new play last night, which was pretty good. After the show we headed over to Georgie's, a nice gay bar that is a bit off the beaten path and wow--was it hopping for a Tuesday night. The place was absolutely packed with men, men, men. Randy and I have the same taste in men so we huddled close on our bar stools and giggled and he leaned over and asked: "What about that one--would you?" "Oh, yes, honey, he is gorgeous," I would whisper back. We sat next to a striking blond in spike rhinestone heels, lovely cocktail dress and Barbra Streisand wig. No one was talking to her or even paying attention to her. I could not take my eyes off her shoes, so finally, I had to ask her and so I said: "I just love your shoes, where did you get them?" and she lit up like a Christmas tree and went on a long babbling explanation of where she buys her shoes and bags (Ross and T.J. Maxx) and sighed about how expensive it is to try and keep yourself up. It ain't easy or cheap trying to be a pretty girl. Then she told me that she is a straight man, married with two grown children. She/he just enjoys dressing as a woman and going out once in a while. She looked great. When she finally tottered out around midnight Randy said that I had probably made her day by girl-talking with her and telling her she looked pretty. Well, she did.

After "Barbra" left another cutie showed up at the end of the bar and as Indrik, the adorable Estonian bartender mixed the newcomer's drink, I nudged Randy and pointed Cutie out. "Oh, no," Randy said, "He knows he's cute. Forget it." But Cutie made his way through the sea of dancing queens and sat on the barstool next to me. He finally leaned over and asked me if I had had a chemical peel. That's the most original opener I have ever heard so I bit and told him no. Then he wanted to know if he could touch my face because he thought my skin was lovely. Okay, no problem, touch me. He asked me what I use on my face and I told him (Never, ever, ever leave the house without sunscreen on your face--that is the extent of my secret). I noticed that Randy was leaning in closely trying to hear (breathing down my neck) and so I introduced them and excused myself to go to the ladies room. When I returned, the two were sitting side by side and having an animated conversation about monogamy and how men are wired genetically to want to have sex with anything and everything 24-7 and how Randy cannot except that he cannot find a partner who will be faithful. He is holding out for a one-man man. He and Cutie debated the whole "gay men are whores" issue for about an hour while I watched the '80s disco videos that were projected on a a huge paneled screen that covered the entire wall of the dance floor. Favorite blast from the past videos: Kim Carnes singing: "Betty Davis Eyes" and of course, Gloria Gaynor and Donna Summer and a mix of numbers from Rocky Horror: "come up to the lab and see what's on the slab."

A crushingly handsome guy named Jeremy sat down next to me and told me his name and kissed my hand then launched into an explanation about why he was there, that he is straight, just moved here from Atlanta and knows no one and he was only there because he came along with his boss who is gay and who just got picked up and left with a man. Jeremy was the gayest man I talked to last night. But anyway, I felt no need to challenge him on it. Who cares? Do your thing, honey. Jeremy's rambling about how straight he is was getting old fast and I started subtly kicking the back of Randy's bar stool--our signal that it is time to go, please, God.

The boys exchanged phone numbers and we finally left at 1:00 AM and on the way home Randy said: "That guy is so NOT gonna call me because he wants to screw everything that walks." I patted his hand and dropped Miss Otis off and decided to take the beach-route home. I rolled down all the windows and let my hair blow in my face and listened to Dave Matthews sing wistfully about getting laid. I smiled and sang along. It was a good night.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

dinner


Shrimp and beer and watching the sunset with the lovely and randy Randy at my favorite dockside greasy spoon: priceless.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I hear something smelling


When my brother was little, he used to run into the kitchen whenever my mom was baking and yell: "I hear something smelling!" We still use that phrase at Mom's house which always smells like food and flowers and books and soap and furniture polish. It smells like Mom.

I am a visual girl but I am also a big-time smell girl. I huff everything. I guess it’s my way of experiencing as much as I can of whatever I really enjoy, so I often make a point to inhale deeply whatever it is I love. I can remember how all of the most important people in my life have smelled, especially the men. Those smells are usually mixtures of things, all unique, all different, all burned in my memory. My usual deep inhaling includes my favorite places, the kids in my life, my disgusting dog, the roses in my yard, the latte at Starbucks, the newspaper, a new pair of all-leather shoes, my kid’s brand new textbooks—whatever. Certain smells transport and intoxicate me. Sniff something today. I know I will.

Just before my daughter was born, I discovered that Johnson & Johnson had changed the formula of their baby shampoo. It did not smell the same as it had for as far back as I can remember—and that’s a long time. As a very busy babysitter all through high school, I used a lot of the stuff and I remember what it smelled like: sweet and baby powdery. All of J&J’s baby products had the same smell. So, hugely pregnant, I stood in the baby aisle at Albertson’s and popped open the lid of the shampoo and inhaled, expecting to be delighted by the nostalgia of the sweet familiar scent. But alas, I was let down. My olfactory memory knew something was amiss. The scent of J&J’s “No More Tears” had been altered to a sort of fruity scent. Their baby powder still smells the same, but I was told it wasn’t good for a baby’s lungs, so I never used it. I was robbed of my sweet J&J baby shampoo experience with my own baby. Bastards. Why do companies do that? Why mess with a sure thing? Boredom? Job security? Desperately seeking relevance in the marketing department? Whatever the reason, it just doesn’t seem to be a good idea, as those of us who remember the “New Coke” debacle can attest.

But anyway, I have been mentally listing the items that evoke the most vivid memories of my childhood via smell. Here is my list so far of the products that still smell exactly the same to me:

Noxzema skin cream: I used this all through high school because I really believed one morning I would wake up and look just like Christie Brinkley. It never happened (if it had I sure as hell would not be sitting in my pajamas with a flatulent mutt sleeping on my feet while the GITB screams “honey—have you seen my ‘Cat in the Hat‘ boxers?” from the other side of the house. I would be in Manhattan having lunch at the Russian Tea Room with Vera Wang).

Revlon’s Flex shampoo and conditioner: I was a competitive swimmer from the age of 8 until my senior year of high school which meant I lived in the pool. And I used gallons of this stuff. I was thrilled to see it reappear on store shelves a few years ago and I did the store aisle sniff-test. Yes—it smells exactly the same.

Ivory soap. I would never use the stuff now because it strips every bit of natural oil and then some leaving the skin on my arms and legs looking like they were made of raffia. But I loved carving Ivory soap and making all kinds of utterly useless crafty doo-dads out of the thick white bars in girl scouts. Sometimes I pick it up and sniff it when I am in the store. It really irritates my daughter when I do this, by the way.

Vicks VapoRub. Whenever my brother or I came down with a cold, my mom used to rub this on our chests then wrap a towel around our necks and secure it with a safety pin so that the oily menthol greasiness wouldn’t get all over our pajamas. And she is an educated woman. Go figure.

Pepto-Bismol. Yes, it has a smell. It smells like pink. Also, I noticed when I ate a few of Schmoopie’s conversation hearts this past Valentine’s Day that the pink ones taste sort of like Pepto. So do the pink Necco wafers.

Folgers coffee from the can. It must be from the can. Nothing smells like a freshly opened can. The plastic bag stuff just does not smell the same.

Budweiser. When you say Budweiser, you have said it all, honey. And it smells the same. It smells like summers fishing in my grandpa’s boat.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

I AM Mrs. Robinson

The mid-life crisis has been temporarily averted. The kid (I mean guy) at my daughter’s school who runs the after-school sports program asked me out on Friday. Yeah. No shit.

“Mr. Jeff” is a grad student from a nearby college so he has to be around 24—young enough to be my son (I mean nephew).

So I am standing in the hallway while Schmoopie crams books into her locker and gathers her PE gear and Mr. Jeff says:

“So, what are you doing for St. Paddy’s Day?”

Me: “Probably heating up a can of Spagettios and hassling Schmoopie for wanting to watch “Deal or No Deal” I mean—what up with that? It’s the stupidest show I’ve ever seen...”

Mr. Jeff: “I’m thinking about hitting ____ (Irish pub here in town). You wanna come?”

Me: “What?”

Mr. Jeff: “I mean---does Schmoopie need a sitter? She really doesn’t, does she?”

Me: “Are you serious?” (Laughing nervously and glancing over his shoulder down the hall. Schmoopie is heading our way and her eyes have narrowed as she strains to hear the conversation).

Mr. Jeff: “Yeah. Can you?”

Me: “Um, Mr. Jeff, Schmoopie’s Dad might have a problem with that.” (More nervous half-assed laugh).

Mr. Jeff: “Oh, man. I thought you were single...you don’t wear a ring…”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t wear my jewelry all the time—I work at home and write all day and my hands always feel dry and so I sort of use hand lotion constantly so I’m always taking my rings off…” (aware that I am babbling incoherently but unable to stop myself)

Mr. Jeff: “Hey--I’m really sorry... I just thought...“

Me: “Oh, sweetie, no problem. You made my day.”

Schmoopie has arrived and she stands looking suspiciously at both of us. Then she says: "What?"

Me: "Okay, thanks, Mr. Jeff, have a great weekend..."


She looks at me funny all the way through the parking lot. When we get in the car, Schmoopie asks me what "that" was all about. I say "Oh, nothing." She demands to know what Mr. Jeff was telling me about her. Kids. They always think it's about them.

But I did tell the GITB about it when we got home. He laughed his ass off but when he realized I wasn’t kidding he was very impressed and high-fived me. He made a good point: I am afternoon pick-up parent. The GITB is morning drop-off parent. Because I do not wake-up for real until at least 10:00 a.m. So “Mr. Jeff” has never seen the GITB. So I can see how he thought I was a single mom. But why an adorable 24-year-old would want to go out with a woman old enough to be his--okay--I can handle it--MOM is beyond me. Maybe it's a school project or something...

Anyway, Schmoopie seems suspicious. Especially since the GITB keeps singing “Stacy’s Mom Has Got it Going On” loudly and quite badly, I might add.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Oh, Canada (bite me)


Dear Satan's Spawn of the Great White North (AKA: Insaitable Horde of Greedy, Selfish Old Locusts): GO. HOME.

Especially those of you from Quebec, Ontario, Toronto, Montreal, New Brunswick and Saskatoon.

Yes, on behalf of all native Floridians and even those of us who are transplants or first generationers who passionately love our state: we are sick to death of your bad driving, shitty tipping, and lousy treatment of our service workers. We are tired of standing in line behind you at Walgreens while you hold it up for 20 minutes arguing with the cashier and trying to make her take your expired coupons, you cheap, chiseling, bastard tight-wads.


We are further disgusted with the fact that you insist on packing all the roadways in your gas-hogging vehicles during rush hour and school opening and closing times. We are appalled that no disabled Floridians can get a disabled parking space anywhere because they are all packed with your Canadian-plated RVs and pimped-out camper-vans. We are weary of not being able to go to a Spring Training game, the beach, doctors offices, restaurants or even the grocery store because there is no place to park and we do not want to hear the gutteral: "Ay?" one more time. You have successfully sucked us dry. We hate you.

The Spring thaw must be in full swing by now, so go, go, please, God, I am begging you, go.

And for the record: I have never for one moment entertained ideas of living half the year in Canada upon my retirement. So I will make you a deal: you stay there and I will stay here and we can all be happy. Now fly, little starlings, fly, fly, fly.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I am turning 45 this month. Fuck.


Mid-Life Crisis Checklist:

Subject matter of chats with girlfriends goes from things like freaking out because the period is late and getting felt up to discussions about menopause and mammograms. Check.

And, further, the "girl’s night out" girl-talk goes from complaints about not being able to go anywhere near the boyfriend without him getting a major boner to your girlfriends mentioning that they are going on anti-depressants because he cannot get it up. Check.

Question every decision you have made since the age of 20. Decide that you may have fucked up some stuff. Check.

Wistfully daydream about the boyfriend--circa 1980s--who ripped your heart out of your body and threw it against a brick wall before stomping it into a lifeless, bloody, pulpy puddle of agony and despair. God, he was SO hot. Check.

Realize that if you have grey hairs on your head you probably have them other places too but decide to remain in denial and do not look. Check.

Notice that your parents look OLD. Notice that your child/children look OLD. Check.

Realize that your kid(s) could survive just fine if you dropped dead tomorrow. Because you could. But you have brought them this far, they will be okay. Check.

Go to the store dressed like a chronically mentally ill homeless woman and don’t give a shit in spite of the horror you inflict on your child/children/spouse. Check.

Vehemently remind your child/children that you WERE VERY COOL once upon a time, dammit. Check.

Have too much to drink at your sister-in-law’s 40th birthday party and shamelessly flirt with your older brother’s best friend, Scott, whom you had a huge crush on in 1977. Make sure you do this in front of Scott's wife, by the way, who REALLY looks old. Feel no remorse about this because he acted like you didn't even exist in high school and now he is panting like a moose in heat and checking you out in your tight jeans. When he responds enthusiastically, suddenly realize that you are tired and no longer give a shit even though he looked really hot in a Speedo 29 years ago. Go pass out in your six-year-old niece’s four-poster pink & white princess bed and wake up the next day with a gauzy canopy panel stuck to your face from all the drooling. Check.

Realize that your parents have way-fewer years ahead of them than they do behind them. Feel very sad about this. Then realize that they have 10-times more crap and tchotchkes crammed into their house than you do in yours and have a panic attack thinking about what to do with all that stuff. Look in the Yellow Pages for estate sale brokers. Check.

Steal your kid’s Clearasil because on top of everything else, you are getting fucking zits again. Check.

While in the car-pool line at your child’s school, fantasize about burning the house down and running away to live in a big sunny apartment in New York City with the insurance money. By yourself. Okay, maybe with the 1980s boyfriend. If he grovels enough and agrees to give you backrubs on demand for life. Check.

Compulsively surf the Internet looking at “Before” and “After” boob-lift pictures on plastic surgery Web sites. Give your husband a dirty look when porn site pop-ups geared toward breast-fetishists keep shooting all over the screen whenever the kid is playing mine-sweeper. Check.

Become weepy when having x-rays done because the x-ray tech did not give you a lead apron to protect your reproductive organs nor did he even ask if there is a possibility that you may be pregnant because you realize that he has noticed that you look old and hag-like and obviously barren and are probably not getting laid. Give him a hateful glare when he tells you to “hold your breath, Ma’am.” Check.

While folding laundry, calculate the number of years until: (1) the kid(s) leave for college (2) the spouse is likely to drop dead from a massive coronary on the ninth hole, (3) the dog dies. Realize that freedom is much closer than you thought. You can almost taste it. Think that you are a horrible person who will burn in hell for all eternity for entertaining such thoughts. Check the plastic surgery Web site again. Boob lifts are expensive. Decide to purchase more life insurance for the spouse. Check.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

It is impossible for me to be in love with a guy who:

Probably eats twice his weight in beef and pork in a year

Prefers Wal-Mart over Target (the horror)

Asks: “Wanna watch Sponge Bob?” When I want him to rip my clothes off

Thinks 99.9% of the media are the scum of the earth

Despises coffee and only drinks hot tea with a pound of sugar in it

Cannot spell to save his ever-loving ass

Is of the opinion that Coke is a perfectly acceptable breakfast beverage

Would rather get dressed and go grab a pizza than order room service and fool around some more while kicking it with his girl in a swanky hotel

Leaves his socks on

Insists on silence for at least five minutes after--you know--and actually shushes me when I try to be chatty post--you know. The nerve.

Does not drink liquor. Ever.

Supports the (homophobic Nazis) Boy Scouts

Does not read the New York Times

Eats "grouper bites"

Cannot resist the urge to use the same lame (and by the way, so not funny--okay--sometimes funny, but still...) puns and not-so-snappy retorts to just about anything anyone may utter in his presence. Over and over and over.

Has some of the most hideous tattoos ever inked in the history of humanity but refuses to add just the tiniest little letter of my first name to the unholy mess. Like it would even show or make a difference at this point.

Is a haiku savant who puts me to shame with his skill

Actually enjoys airline peanuts

Insists that Dave Matthews only does songs about wanting to get laid, actually getting laid, or fondly remembering getting laid.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

white trash picnic


Sometimes when the girls get together, we like to let it all hang out and celebrate our southern-ness. Honey, we get down on the ground and roll around in it. Every once in a while we throw coronary health and all common damn sense to the wind and have what we fondly refer to as a "White Trash Ho-Down." No mens allowed. Yes, I meant to say "mens." These usually come on the heels of a loss or a triumph or some other life-changing event in one of our lives that requires--no--demands, observation and embracing and thereby, healing, by the girls. Here is part of the spread from the most recent bacchanal which was a celebration of my mid-life crisis.

The menu, left to right, then 'round the clock: what is left of a plate of Laura's deep-fried Twinkies. Of course, we ate those first (note the pretty table decor: a mousetrap), mashed potatoes made with plenty of buttermilk, lime Jell-O mold made with 7-Up and little tiny marshmallows, corn bread made with creamed corn and bacon, loaf of Wonder Bread, macaroni and cheese with hot dogs all cut up in it, collard greens, fried chicken, my famous sheet cake that I make entirely out of Moon Pies, (in the center) pimento cheese spread, bologna, olive loaf, Velveeta (all goes on the Wonder Bread, of course, honey!). And there is plenty of whipped cream, because, you know, you can never have too much of that and it goes with everything.

Beverages: RC Cola, Miller and Schlitz Malt Liquor--all bottles, no cans. Oh, Lord. Wish you could have been there.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

my neighbor's latest get $ quick scheme


Did I ever mention that my neighbor is a bit of a nut-job? Well, he is. And not exactly a candidate for gifted classes, were he in middle school, if you know what I mean, and that's all I have to say about that. Except that his idea last year of making millions by breeding Siamese cats (he had never owned a cat before in his life, by the way) was a complete bust. And that wasn't the first great idea gone wrong. The man is just not right in the head. But, is any, really?


So it's no wonder I started getting suspicious when the weird fence showed up last week and now this week: surprise! So I called my brother and said "Dude, you gotta come check out Jim's latest project," and Bro pops by in short order, takes one look and says "Hey!!--is that like half of one of those 'Push-me-Pull-me' things from the Dr. Doolittle movie?!?!" (He refers to the 1960s-Rex Harrison-version of the movie). I slap my head and say "Oh, Jeebus, somebody, please, fix me a drink." But do they listen? No. So I fixed my own damn drink. They sure are cute, though, aren't they? They remind me of this group of coke-head chicks who used to hang out at a nightclub where my friend, Jeff, was a bouncer in the 1980s. I think their names were Kelly, Lisa and Cindy. Same tragic hair.

the three graces


they are sighing sweetness and screaming terror, innocence and sugary, diabolical whirlwinds. We all have the same DNA. How exquisitely righteous that my brother is the father of two future WOMEN and I am the mother of a formidable brainiac who is also a cutie. It indeed is payback time. But I mean that in a good way. Girls rock. Especially mine. By the way, the awesome cheeks are all me. Those who know me can attest.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

mom


I am named after her. My daughter looks exactly like her.

If you give her a piece of jewelry or an item of clothing, she will always wear it when she knows she is going to see you.

She has a stuffed “Ziggy” collection, one for every holiday and for some insane reason she displays them on the huge sweeping mantle of the fireplace in her formal dining room, right next to her Royal Daulton porcelain collection. She has a vampire Ziggy, a cupid Ziggy, a leprechaun Ziggy, a Santa Ziggy, an Easter Bunny Ziggy and on and on.

She corrects all the grammatical and spelling errors in her sorority and college alumni newsletters with a red pen and mails them back. I don’t think they’ve ever responded and I’ve often wondered if they keep these corrected newsletters in a file marked “nuts." I have one of these files, by the way.

She allows others to take credit for her work, ideas, thoughtfulness, etc. Like when she and Dad give someone a really perfect gift, she won’t correct the recipient if they assume the gift came from my Dad, (like the skil saw she bought for my brother after an exhaustive research and studying of the Consumer Report magazine), and she always beams when Dad gets the accolades.

She sends Hallmark cards to her kids and grandkids for every single occasion large or small, holiday mainstream or obscure: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Sweetest Day, National Grandchildren’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day (we are not Irish), Earth Day, etc.

She has a terrific capacity for remembering obscure anniversaries and special things like my favorite flavor of tea, the date of my first date with my husband, our favorite authors, scented candles, flowers, and musicians.

She knows how to mother my husband without reminding him that his own mother is gone now. She accepts new arrivals into the family with unquestioning friendship and later, love.

When someone tells her “I love you” she smiles and says, “Thank you" (unless it’s one of her grandchildren, then she says it back with abandon).

She is the best secret-keeper in the world.

She never reminds you that you owe her money, but when you remember and pay her back, she smiles at you like she did when you were a kid and got a poor report card. Shame on you, you should know better.

She avoids confronting those she cares about directly when at all possible. Instead, she cuts an article out of a newspaper or magazine and hands it to us with a raised eyebrow. There is never a mention about it afterward. I have perfected the eyebrow move in adulthood. It's really effective.

She reads the obituary section of the paper daily and reads the ones that are under 50 aloud to my father, which drives him nuts.

She has not gotten over the death of her mother, which happened in 1979. She cries at every holiday when there is a mention of the “good old days.”

She speaks French, Italian and a little Vietnamese.

She had polio when she was 15 and spent her sophomore year of high school in the Rainbow Children’s Hospital in Cleveland, Ohio, learning how to walk again.

Her mother was an industrial nurse who worked in the medical clinic of a large steel plant taking care of sick and injured steelworkers who adored her.

Her father worked as a “union-buster” for the corporate heads of a large steel plant and was hated by the steelworkers.

She types a little over one hundred words a minute but prefers to write all of her personal correspondence by hand on beautiful paper.

She keeps in touch with three of her friends from childhood. She is 69 years old, so that’s a lot of handwritten correspondence!

She could have married a rich guy, but she fell in love with a poor boy from the wrong side of the tracks and married him instead. My Dad is a lucky man. It's good that he knows this.


She laughs at dirty jokes but would never tell one.

She knows how to twirl a baton.

She plays cards every other week with the same group of women she has been meeting with for over thirty years.

She never tells her daughter or daughter-in-law how to raise their kids. She always bites her tongue.

She is far smarter than her husband but never reminds him of this fact.

She is never fooled but often pretends to be in order to not hurt someone's feelings.

She is fiercely defensive of the ones she loves and holds grudges against those she believes have hurt her loved ones in any way.

She keeps a stuffed animal her high school sweetheart gave to her. He is not my father, by the way.

She used to tell me that if I could count my real true friends on one hand I should consider myself to be very, very lucky. I used to think this was such a stupid idea and that it was sad that she didn’t have as many friends as I did. Now I know what she was talking about.

She loves brussel sprouts and stays away from sweets but keeps a bag of Hershey bars stashed in her lingerie drawer.


She is the first person who told ever told me I am beautiful. This was important when I was a clutzy 13 year-old and had braces and zits and felt like the most hideous creature on the planet. And I believed her.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

RIP


Love ya, Kolchak.


I really liked Darren McGavin in the 1970s series Kolchak: The Night Stalker. All of his obits this week spend a lot of time on the Christmas movie he did and that was fine, but he had a long, rambling career in TV playing rumpled, world-wise blue-collar men (my favorites) and the hard-boiled and salty Carl Kolchak was what got my teenage heart beating. I love the anti-metrosexual. Give me a meaty, sweat-stained guy with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and an empty pint bottle or two in his backseat any day of the week over a manicured and perfumed dandy boy ala: CSI, etc.

Plus those Night Stalker episodes usually scared the shit out of me. Great fun.

And this concludes the three-in-a row celebrity deathwatch.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Dad and me


Monday night is tae-kwan-do night. Usually I am on a deadline or too slammed with work to accompany Schmoopie so the GITB takes her. Because he is an accomplished kick-boxer, he enjoys going and watching his girl. Other nights the GITB will poke his head in the study and say: "Honey, I will pay you $100 to take her tonight," and I sigh and turn off the computer and she and I head out. (We used to have these bargaining sessions re: changing her diaper. He actually did pay me a few times to change a particularly poopy diaper when it was, in fact, HIS turn at the changing table. And did I keep the money? Hell yeah. Mommies need sassy shoes too, girl.)

I love going, actually, because my kid is graceful and lithe and whirls across the floor brandishing her bow-staff like a translucent fairy charged with turbo-pixie dust -- a dangerous one who is now a black belt candidate. I delight in watching the awe on the faces of the boys in her class (all about 3-5 years older) as she flies past them, golden braids whirring like humming birds on either side of her head, completely oblivious to their admiring stares. She is sweetness and speeding havoc and little girl and she-devil all rolled into one. It's heavenly watching her take flight.

So last night I was sitting there transfixed when the door of the auditorium opened and the click of the handle distracted me. When I turned to look, my dad was strolling in. He strode very purposefully toward me, definitely a man on a mission. For a moment my heart quickened and the thought that something might be wrong with my mom skittered through my mind, but I reminded myself that were this the case he would call me on my cell phone which is never not in my pocket. But nevertheless, his appearance alarmed me. He comes to watch Schmoopie in action at class maybe once a month and always when she tests for a new belt, but he is overly-concerned about not "interfering" and he would never want to be construed as being intrusive. He has always been that way--polite to the point of absurd. He respects my adult-ness and my role as a parent and I am appreciative of that but I wish he would quit feeling like he has to ask permission to hang around. Anyway. So Dad comes and sits next to me and calls me by my first name, which no one else does (except for one other soul on the planet--they know who they are) and asks me in a very concerned tone of voice how I am.

"Are you okay--I mean, is your health alright?"

"Yeah, Dad, I'm fine. Why?"

"Your mom and I are a little concerned that something may be bothering you. You seemed so distracted during the holidays and we're wondering if everything is okay..."

"Dad--I'm fine. Really. Maybe it's a midlife thing, I don't know. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff that I usually don't think about -- you know -- I wonder what's going to happen when Schmoopie leaves for college, I mean, what do I want to do with the rest of life, all that shit."

Dad looked across the auditorium and squinted, focused on Schmoopie as she ran and jumped and kicked and pirouetted through a line of sweaty, gaggly boys.

"You know, I feel bad that I wasn't around much when you were her age. I don't really even remember you at this age. I guess I was gone too much."


Dad then went on to remark about my brother and all the traveling he does and his concern that my two nieces are missing out on quality time with their daddy.

I said: "He does a great job with them, Dad. He's a great daddy and they know above all else that their Daddy loves them. That's all that really matters."

Dad turned to me and said: "I'm concerned that you didn't feel loved when you were growing up. Did you feel like you were loved?"

Me: "Jesus, Dad, yes. What is going on? Are YOU in okay health?"

Dad: "I'm fine, fine."

We were silent for a minute as we watched our girl, the sweet-faced dervish.

Then Dad said: "Because if there's anything you need, anything at all, you can come to me, you know. You'll let me know?"

"Sure Dad, yeah. I'm fine."


And that was the end of that. It's funny how here I am, all grown up with a family and a career (I guess) and a big fat life packed with loud, noisy and loving family and friends, freedom and resources to do pretty much whatever the hell I please, swimming in art and beauty and all the things that I need to be happy and yet my parents can still detect something not quite right every now and then. It must be the unparalleled power of DNA. They know me so well. It's maddening sometimes.

Driving home I thought about the evening I got married (14 years ago--God!!), standing in the back of the church with my dad as he and my uncle hovered over me like two anxious nellies. It was a windy November evening, the end of hurricane season in Florida and a tropical storm was brewing. Rain hit the stained-glass windows in staccato splats as it whipped off the palm trees with each gust of wind. Just before we started to make that long walk down the aisle, my dad and my uncle had this little unspoken exchange and then cleared their throats and stood in front of me, blocking my view of the aisle, of the packed church and the grinning groom waiting for me on the dais.

"You know honey, you can change your mind," Dad said.

"WHAT????!!!!!" I sputtered through my veil, clenching my bouquet of roses and gardenias.

"Really, Uncle Paul and I want you to know that you can still change your mind--even now. It's okay. No one would be upset with you."

And I know it sounds odd, but that was the most wonderful moment I have ever had with my dad. I didn't perceive this as a judgment on my judgment or an attack on my soon-to-be-husband. My family liked the GITB and they were all happy for me. No, it was an acknowledgment of the weight of the moment and a declaration of love from the two men who had the biggest hands in raising me. If I wanted to run screaming from the church, they would aid and abet me. If not, that was great too. They just wanted me to know I had options and they backed me no matter what. That's love--it really was a kind and loving gesture. And I did pause and take a deep breath and savor the moment before I slipped my hands through their arms and walked down the aisle, one on either side of me.

I guess that's a big piece of what being a parent is all about--it is a job that never ends. And that's what's nice about it.

Monday, February 27, 2006

RIP


Love ya, McCloud.


PS--This Dennis Weaver link has been added for the chillrens who have no awareness of the 1970s. Sigh.

PPS--not that I am into the whole celebrity deathwatch thing, but that's two in as many days. Who's number three?

Sunday, February 26, 2006

the big Velveeta of all songs


Even though he wears my ass out, Miss Otis is one of the loves of my life and one of the many reasons why is that he has the best timing. He always seems to know exactly when I need him and that is when he calls me up and plays this wretched, god-awful song and sings along, loudly adding obscene commentary, of course, in the background just because he knows I hate it and will therefore laugh until I pee. Every girl should have a boy like Randy in her life. That's all I'm saying.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

RIP

Love ya, Barney.

adieu Don Knotts.

My favorite performance: The Incredible Mr. Limpet. Need I say more?

His final role: the voice of Mayor Turkey Lurkey in the 2005 animated film Chicken Little.

Jeebus--talk about death with dignity.

Bode Miller: Who gives a shit?

Not I, said the little red hen. The Olympics sucked ass this year, it bored the hell out of me and Bode is as stupid a fucking name as "Picabo." And by the way, if you are going to pronounce it "Peek-a-boo" here's a crazy idea: why not spell it like it sounds? WTF? People wear my ass out.

inner peace my ass


Every day I get up and face the world with the best of intentions, I want to be a good girl, but temptation is everywhere and jesus, people wear my ass out. I tried to get myself into a nice mellow meditative mode this morning but right about the time I snuggled into my favorite big-old reading chair with my nice hot cup of joe and started thinking about all the good things I have in my life and all the people I love and wish blessings on, my cell phone rang and Randy told me he had fallen down the stairs of his front porch last night and woke up covered in blood, oh, and by the way, he can see bone through one of his wounds. Miss Otis is wearing my ass out. So after I was sufficiently satisfied that he is okay, I proceeded to scold him and then he called me "Mom" (not good) and admitted he was totally shitfaced when his buddies dropped him off after a crawl through one of the local really icky dive bars last night, I really let him have it. Miss Otis huffily replied: "Girl, you cannot tell me you have never gone out one night intending to have a great time and woke up the next morning with your hair all over the place, eyeliner smeared halfway down your face and three-quarters of you covered in blood..." I started to tell him that I had not, but then I remembered that I had. But it was the '80s for chrissake. And besides, it wasn't my blood, it was my boyfriend's. And he has since forgiven me.

Friday, February 24, 2006

No more Jello for me, Ma.

My compadre in grammatical terrorism, political incorrectness and gleefully pooh-pooing all that is good and clean and holy about "Ameer-ka" (as her fellow Texan, Dubya, puts it), Miss Sassy-Pants herself, eb has decided to excuse herself from the table that is Blog Land. I am sad but understand. Happy Trails, elizabeth. Stop by to thump my melons soon and often. Love ya!
~ell

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Lemme see what's in your purse


a friend of mine loves the Dump The Purse routine. When she meets new chicks she says: "Okay, what's your story--Reader's Digest version--lemme see what you're packing" and most women happily comply.


And since we are all admitted voyeurs and exhibitionists here--hence our collective presence in the Blogosphere--I am showing you mine so let's see yours.

Oh, and I hereby specifically challenge Mel ('cause EVERYONE wants to see what The Church Lady has in her purse) and Steph (ditto The Nun--I mean--really-- I cannot wait), eb (cause the lesbians from Texas MUST be included) and Grace (Because she is as big of a bi-atch as I am and I would love to see what is in her trendy bi-atch bag, plus Grace is an awesome name) to dump your purses and show us what your packin'. Ladies, I am waiting.

PS: (If I didn't invite you to dump and you feel so inclined, please, by all means, share away!)

Now, here is an inventory of the contents that my purse vomited onto the dining room table today: (clockwise from the top) hair clip, Hello Kitty CD holder, lipstick, appt. book with press pass in black case on top, open wallet with Batman action figure and restauraunt receipt on top (Lanna Thai restaurant with Anne at lunchtime day before yesterday. I had the Pad Thai with chicken) a wrapped biscotti from Starbucks that has been in my purse since December, pack of matches from Don Giovanni's restaurant on W. 44th Street in NYC, doggie cookie, notebook with lip gloss on top (Revlon Color Stay--"Flesh"), more matches, silk sunglasses case, cell phone, more matches, Robin action figure (he and Batman are apparently temporarily separated), doggie cookie, iPod Nano in pink leather case purchased at Target (yesssssssssssss!), pressed powder compact, assorted pens, credit card case, loose change, nail polish, doggie cookie, highlighter pen, turquoise bracelet.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

John


I love the baggers at my Publix.


Most of them are crusty old guys with Army or Navy tattoos on their forearms that are so faded they look like they were applied with water colors (we have tons of old vets in the area because of the VA hospital and the nearby bases where they like to go shopping and get their liquor and cigarettes tax-free). Anyway, a lot of them are obviously WWII vets and you know that they have seen some shit, sister. And by the way, they saved the world. I love these guys--they are my heroes. My favorite elderly bagger is John, who always winks at me and calls me "Cookie" as he lovingly double-wraps my chicken breasts. He is the only man on the planet capable of getting away with that. I usually choose whichever line John is bagging, no matter the length of the line. He has the sweetest smile and pale blue eyes and I imagine he was quite the hottie when he was a young man.

I like to look at old geezers and try to picture them when they were at the height of their youthfulness and vigor. I remind myself that these old men were once strapping young studs who liked to party and raise hell and bang as many chicks as they could. Sure, now they are someone’s Grampy and they have enlarged prostates, no hair and bad knees. But once they rocked someone’s world, no doubt. I totally see that when I look at John. John has been places, he has seen some shit. And he can call me “Cookie” any day of the week.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

me and mae: Whores-R-Us


So I took the Inner-Bombshell quiz that Trish has on her site and yes, I answered truthfully. Turns out that Mae is my inner ho and soulmate. What a shocker. Here's my result:

"Va-Va-Voom! You're Inner-Bombshell is Mae West. You've definitly got a lot of wit, a lot of smarts, and you know how to use people to your advantage. Ever heard the phrase "doesn't take any crap from anybody"? Well that's you! Just like Mae you never want to settle down, and can't imagine being with just one man for the rest of your life. You don't care about conventions and have no filter from your brain to you mouth. Check out the movie "She Done Him Wrong" to see your inner bombshell in all her voluptuous glory!"

WTFWBD? (or: I totally blew it out my ass)


Regret, remorse, recrimination. Here is the thing about deeply wounding another person: even if there was never an intention to do so, even if, in fact, the total opposite was genuinely intended, albeit in a deluded and misguided sort of way, the damage is irretrievable. It can't be taken back. You can't hit rewind, you can't go back and edit and if you are able to look at yourself in the mirror, you can't forgive yourself. Especially when you realize that as kind and charitable and loving a person you like to think you are, you have visited misery on someone who didn't deserve it, never asked for it and they will carry it with them always.

Sometimes guilt really is appropriate and earned and deserved. And when the shame is earned it feels like Hilda Doolittle (1886-1961) described it in her poem “Iphigeneia in Aulis,”

Shame, scarlet, fresh-opened a flower, Strikes across my face.

I suck and I am going to hell and all the stuff I thought I had managed to learn I apparently did not. Other happy thoughts:

One should sit upright and meditate on the true aspect of all things. All sins are just as frost and dew, so wisdom's sun can disperse them

~Repentance in Buddhism

"If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you what to do, then YOU DESERVE IT." ~ Frank Zappa

For all the evil deeds I have done in the past,
Created by my body, speech and mind,
From beginningless greed, hatred and delusion,
I now know shame and repent them all.
~Traditional Repentance Verse from "The Practices & Vows of Samantabadra Bodhisattva" (Avatamsaka Sutra, Chapter 40)


"Accept life, and you must accept regret." ~Henri Frederic Amiel, 1876

My karma is so FUCKED.
I promised to take Randy to see Brokeback Mountain this weekend but he was too tired to get out of bed Saturday and has been napping his ass off. His last t-cell count: 86. Even the idea of a hot gay sex scene, lots of popcorn and the pleasure of my company will not move his ass out of the rack (but he will of course get up and light a cigarette). I am going over there to kick me some Miss Otis ass first thing tomorrow. Beauty sleep my ass. There are movies to be watched and boys to be ogled and smack to talk.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

twue wuv

my dad called me at 8:30 this morning to triumphantly announce that I look like my great-grandmother. It's taken him all this time to figure this one out, no matter that my age now begins with a 4. Dad said he and my mother have been at this discussion in earnest for two weeks now, ever since they came to see a performance of a show I was in that was set in the 1930s (see drag queen photo below). Dad has been mystified since then about who in the family I resemble but he just knew it was someone way back there. So I look like Theresa. Theresa was an actress in Hungary and she came to America before the turn of the last century. According to family lore, she lied about her age to get on the ship without a parent or an adult guardian so when she was older and we tried to get her a social security card, no one knew her exact age because (a)she lied about it and (b)she had no birth certificate. I think that took huge balls--the leaving home and going to a new country. And she was beautiful, so I am flattered that my dad thinks I resemble her in some way. Maybe it's just the balls part because I do have those from time to time.

She always said she came to America not to find a better life but to find her true love. She knew he was here. She just knew it. And I guess he was. And they lived happily ever after until his work as a coal miner affected his health and he started to drink a lot then died young of stomach cancer leaving her in mourning for fifty years. But it was great while it lasted. They were madly in love with one another and so I guess her trip across the ocean was worth it.

Theresa was always "Buba" to me and my cousins. She spoke little English (as far as she let on) and she was always ancient. I mean, she was my dad's grandmother, and that was OLD, man. She taught me how to make stuffed cabbage the "old country" way and so nothing is measured. It's a handful of this and a pinch of that and my family begs me to make it a few times a year because it is so yummy. I make it just like she taught me and roll the cabbage just right then let it all cook all day in a huge vat with sauerkraut and pork loin and tomato sauce. To die for.

Buba was arouund 100 when she died. But she was still a huge believer in true love and she adored the movie "The Princess Bride." My favorite part, by the way, is when poor Buttercup is about to marry the creepy evil prince and they are standing in the church and the speech-challenged priest starts to deliver a homily about "Wuv. Twue wuv. It's what bwings us togetha" Totally cracks me up. I also dig the whole Dread Pirate Roberts routine.

But what is the deal with twue wuv, anyway? Is it real? Does it exist? Is there one true love for each of us? In spite of my anti-Valentine's Day stance, I think so. But twue wuv doesn't always bring us together, sometimes it is the very thing that keeps us apart. And so it isn't always wonderful. But it is worth it.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

VD


I hereby proclaim Valentine's Day a huge steaming crock of consumer shit.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

desolate


sweet boy--yes, now I am employing subtext. Miserable, tortured, agonized subtext. Fire alarm not included.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

WTFWOD?


I miss the old Oprah, don't you?

The present-day Oprah just seems too hard-edged and, okay, I'll say it, mean for me. Yes, I think Oprah has joined the ranks of the Mean Girls. And I think she is way too impressed with her own presence, cleverness and moral superiority. Her latest drama queen performance at Coretta King's funeral was embarrassingly cringe-worthy because she seemed so acutely aware of the cameras. The disingenuousness of the whole thing made my skin crawl. For chrissake, get over yourself, girl, and go eat some smashed potatoes.

In my opinion, Oprah has sadly become the antithesis of who we all fell in love with 20-or so years ago--you know--a nice, unassumming, genuine and exuberant real woman. Oprah used to be warm and spontaneous. Now she seems pre-packaged, calculating, steely-eyed and haughty, her warmth frozen over by a fierce devotion to protecting her brand and her image at all costs.

And the $600 blouses and $75 bars of soap and $100 jars of face cream she heralds as her "favorite things" in "O" magazine are far from reach for most of her devoted viewers, I dare say. They are barely scraping by, clipping coupons and shopping at Wal-Mart for their "favorite things" like diapers and mac & cheese and deodorant while dreaming of living their best lives, ala Oprah. Well, hell yeah, I could "live my best life" too if I were paid billions of dollars to run my mouth.

Wow. WTFW (the old Oprah) D?