elliot got old. So did we, btw

Randy and I went to see Poseidon (yes, I lost the coin toss AGAIN) last week.
Three words: we were disappointed.

First of all--whilst I was in the little girl's room Randy bought some sort of "combo" thing that amounted to a huge feedbag-size bucket-o-popcorn best suited to feed some starving herd of livestock and two bladder buster sodas that cost him $13. WTF? I was so horrified by the cost I couldn't bring myself to eat the popcorn. It was the principle. (Plus Randy has a wart on his hand that he insists on treating with Compound W and I keep telling him to go to the dermatologist and have the damn thing cut off because it's not gotten any smaller since November and I refuse to eat popcorn that has been brushed by the wart from hell even though I love my boy toy).

Okay--and I know I don't have to issue the usual and customary spoiler alert here because who the hell is really going to go see this movie? You will wait 'til it comes on HBO and you will only watch it then when the prospect of watching Titanic/Regarding Henry/The Chronicles of Riddick or The Color Purple one more frigging time makes you want to lock yourself in the bathroom and shave your head instead--there is no one singing "There's Got to be a Morning After..." in this movie!

I suppose I got past the snubbing of Maureen McGovern because Randy kept leaning over and singing it in my ear, but still. Then we got into a whispered debate about who among the group of scrappy survivors was really the Shelley Winters character and I was very adamant that none of them could possibly be since there were no spunky, cute, older fat chicks in the film and our whispered debate got intense and louder when one of the gorgeous young studs announced that he had been on the swim team in school as he sexily dove into the water to save someone and Randy squealed "it's her, it's her!" and then the gay couple in front of us glared at us and one of them shushed us. Bitches.

The biggest problem was Richard Dreyfus and his resemblance to the Cryptkeeper in Randy's opinion. I am partial to the perky Richard from the Goodbye Girl days but I have no illusion that he has not aged and that's okay--getting old is cool. Randy was horrified. He kept whispering "Oh my god--he looks sooooo OLD!" and it was more of a big deal because Richard is playing a gay man and very unconvincingly, may I add. He was way more gay in Goodbye Girl playing a straight actor forced to play gay onstage. Anyway, Randy could not forgive his lack of swishiness in this movie or his calling a studly Latino waiter "gorgeous" then 5 minutes later shaking him off his leg as the two hung from an elevator shaft. Even though flirting with a guy then sending him plunging to his death because Kurt Russell cannot handle pulling both of you to safety is pretty typical gay man behavior, actually, according to Randy. At least he hollered "I'm so sorry" (but not in a gay way) down the shaft.

But anyway. I would have liked the whole thing a lot better (make that at all, really) if (A)Maureen had been allowed to sing and (B) the gang of survivors had not looked like the cast of a GAP ad (except for Kurt and Dick) and (C) if Kurt had shown off his Snake Pliskin tattoo (you know, the coiled snake that disappeared into his pants). Although the scene where Kurt drowns is kind of sexy because he goes into these full body spasms that kind of look like--well, you know. Rather than be crude and spell it out, let's just say we now we have an idea of what Goldie has been seeing in the boudoir all these years if you get my drift.

The movies just aint what they used to be. Sigh.