now I hate Staples as much as I hate Radio Shack

I broke my keyboard last night. Don't ask. So I called the long-suffering IT guy at work this morning (as I work, mostly, from home) and told him that my spacebar is DOA and asked him if I could grab another keyboard off the pile in the corner of his office and he said no, because those all have messed up spacebars too and that's why they are piling up there, beginning to resemble a modernist artistic pile of a statement about technology or some such thing, so just run over to the office supply store and grab a new one and keep the receipt.

Fifteen minutes later I am in the keyboard/mice aisle at Staples pondering the mysteries of keyboards and I see a skinny kid in a red polo shirt sidewinding his way up the aisle toward me. I didn't even need to spy him out of the corner of my eye because I could smell him coming. He was drenched in Drakker Noir, a fragrance my 1980s boyfriend wore and because I have a visceral reaction to it and can smell it a mile away, I was more than aware of the approach of Staples Boy long before he pulled up in front of me, totally blocking my view of the keyboards slash mice.

"Finding everything okay?' He asked in a sing-songy, don't actually really give a shit sort of way as he hitched up his pants that sagged right back down around his 22-inch hips.

"Well, yeah, Jeremy," I said, after squinting at his nametag.

"I want one of these Logitech keyboards in black. That whole stack there is all white. Do you guys have black?"

"Nope."

"How come?"

"Nobody wants black. It isn't a popular color. But if you want a black keyboard, we have these," he said, sweeping his hand, and I looked at the dozen or so black keyboard models they had that were all minimum twice the price of the white one I had in my hand.

"Didn't you just say nobody wants black? And why would I want to pay double for a black keyboard when this is all I need?" I asked, waving whitey.

"Well, these have all these other media features and some are wireless. Don't you want a wireless?" He asked earnestly.

"No." I said.

"How come?"

"Because I'm not allowed--my IT guy said not to get a wireless. And besides, I don't understand why this only comes in white -- what is the deal? It's the only one you have under $20 and it only comes in white and it's the only white keyboard you stock?"

"Well, you could paint it." Jeremy said.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No--I painted mine green and blue but it was a bitch cutting out the mold to put over it so I could paint it without fucking up the keys, took me forever but you, know, I was grounded so I had a lot of time on my hands..."

When I went to the counter to pay for my under-$20 white keyboard, the kid at the register asked me if I have a "Staples Savngs" card. I told him no.

He said "You should sign up for one. You'll save a lot of money."

I said "No thanks."

He then placed an application form on the counter and tried to hand me a pen.

I said "Listen, I don't want any more of my personal information out in the world than is absolutely necessary, so no thanks."

"This is just for us--we don't sell your personal information like Blockbluster does..." he said.

"No."

He glared at me with naked hatred and slapped my change into my hand like I had just told him his mother is a whore.

I hate the intrusion into my private life that is what should be a simple transaction. This is why I refuse to step foot in Radio Shack--I do not want to tell anyone my zip code or fucking phone number. I shouldn't have to. And giving the phone number to the county detox unit is just no fun anymore. And now Bath and Body Works is doing it! I just want to buy whatever it is I want to buy without disclosing personal information and I am happy to bypass "a 20% discount on this purchase!!!!" to do so. Can't I just buy in peace and anonymity? Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.