It is impossible for me to be in love with a guy who:

Probably eats twice his weight in beef and pork in a year

Prefers Wal-Mart over Target (the horror)

Asks: “Wanna watch Sponge Bob?” When I want him to rip my clothes off

Thinks 99.9% of the media are the scum of the earth

Despises coffee and only drinks hot tea with a pound of sugar in it

Cannot spell to save his ever-loving ass

Is of the opinion that Coke is a perfectly acceptable breakfast beverage

Would rather get dressed and go grab a pizza than order room service and fool around some more while kicking it with his girl in a swanky hotel

Leaves his socks on

Insists on silence for at least five minutes after--you know--and actually shushes me when I try to be chatty post--you know. The nerve.

Does not drink liquor. Ever.

Supports the (homophobic Nazis) Boy Scouts

Does not read the New York Times

Eats "grouper bites"

Cannot resist the urge to use the same lame (and by the way, so not funny--okay--sometimes funny, but still...) puns and not-so-snappy retorts to just about anything anyone may utter in his presence. Over and over and over.

Has some of the most hideous tattoos ever inked in the history of humanity but refuses to add just the tiniest little letter of my first name to the unholy mess. Like it would even show or make a difference at this point.

Is a haiku savant who puts me to shame with his skill

Actually enjoys airline peanuts

Insists that Dave Matthews only does songs about wanting to get laid, actually getting laid, or fondly remembering getting laid.