retirees

retirees should be required to have locks on the outside of their dwellings that prevent them from leaving their homes (except in the event of fire, of course) during rush hour. Once the clock hits 9:00 a.m., their condos would spring open just like at the penitentiary. But they must go back inside between the hours of 4:00 and 6:00 p.m. Bingo and water aerobics should only begin after 9:00 a.m. and early bird specials should start at 6:00 p.m., the main culprit in the end-of-the-workday traffic jams, I am certain of it. Gotta get the two-for-one brisket before 4:30 p.m.

Here is my idea: when you retire, you should sign a paper that legally binds you to stay off major roadways during the height of rush hour. Oh, and out of the grocery stores too. But that is another rant. In return, you get your Social Security check and Medicare. Not before. I mean, what is the deal? If I were retired, or, rather, when I retire, you will NOT find my happy ass on the busiest throughway at the height of rush hour. Going 25 mph in the fast lane. Oblivious.

And don't get me started on the tourists. One of my neighbors recently erected a sign in his yard that reads: "Welcome to the beach. Now go home." A bit harsh, yes, but I do not get why folks think nothing of using our driveways or blocking access to our homes or peeing in our yards so that they can go to the beach. When they are old tourists, it's worse. The farther north the license plate, the worse the driving skills, I am sorry to say, and yes that means the Canadians.

But anyway, old people, please, I am begging you. Do you really need to be on the interstate at 7:45 a.m.? Make your tee-time after 9:00. Could you? Please? Yes, Papaw, you too.